Sources Who Lie

Things made me laugh today. Like when I was listening to the Book that Changed My Life segment of This American Life on my new old iPod (see blog entry "Cue Wind in Her Hair") while riding the 92 bus to Eastern Market. It was a people-packed bus, as the rain was kicking us all off the streets. But I couldn't help giggling at the stories. Also, when I was electric-toothbrushing my teeth tonight, I did that just-closing-my-eyes-for-a-second chin-drop thing that happens before falling asleep standing up. It almost happened. Do you fall if it happens? Or do your joints lock in place? And, again I laughed, when Justin texts me "If someone asks if you're ticklish, tell them you have been having diarrhea lately but yes, you're ticklish." Heehee. Jr High pastors...

I sighed sadly today when I learned my family's power has been out for 36 hours and all their chilled food has spoiled. What waste. I cried on the metro when I listened to the Frenemies segment on This American Life. I was frustrated when I read an email from Pandora stating that I would now only be allowed to listen to 40 hours of free music each month. Not enough.

I felt great despair when I read Margaret Mead's account of adolescent girls in Samoa, and even more when I read a critique of it claiming her adolescent female sources had been teasing her and the stories she documented had no credibility. It's this sneaking sense that the world is too complicated to make sense of it, and I unfortunately feel the need to have an intimate understanding of the system I am operating in to feel any confidence in... making a move. So life ends up feeling a bit like a game of chess, in which I don't know the rules of the gamepieces nor the actual objective of the game and my opponent is omniscient. I felt a similar sense of unease when I watched Lions for Lambs tonight, the Robert Redford movie. Though I smiled at Meryl Streep's stunning performance (par for her course).

For a minute, a couple years ago, I had gotten my bearings long enough to decide I should (and wanted to) a) move to Washington, DC and b) pursue a career in International Education, whatever that would mean. Now I have little faith in either of those desired ends. And I am faced with how burdensome Options are to a person like myself. I see flaws in any course of action, and would be more content to sit back and deliberate on the options than actually move forward. And when I do move forward, I end up mid-stride feeling foolish and wishing to draw back my leg. My queen piece.

I want life to be a game I'm good at. But strategy eludes me. Why?

I give up. I can't solve the mysteries of the universe tonight, and Sufjan Stevens keeps singing "Even if I died alone..." and it's making my eyelids heavy. There is a day waiting on the other side and I want to be ready for it. And, God knows, right now I don't feel ready.