My So-Called Life Statement

I've been looking for the courage to write a Life Statement for a while. Always come up empty handed. Realized it was hanging on my wall, right in front of me, though. In my journal:

It's a little dated (like 11 years removed). But that was kind of the idea - write something for my future self to cling to when she'd lost her marbles. So, I haven't read it yet, but figured I'd go ahead and add it to my accumulating nostalgia. So here goes:

Notes to Future Self, July 25, 2000

Nehemiah 8:10                  Proverbs 15:30 
The joy of the Lord is          A cheerful look brings joy to the heart.
your strength.


May you never lose the light in your eyes, or the joy that God has given your heart in knowing He loves you, sacrificed for you, and has plans for you in this life and beyond.

Never allow your wonder for life and the amazing world we live in to be contained, solved. Keep seeking Creator, letting your passion for creation and creativity be constantly renewed by the Holy Spirit. Pray hard for that. It's a favorite request of Creator, and he ALWAYS answers it.

Continue to live life to its fullest, and never let complacency or apathy weasel their way in. Find inspiration to live abundantly in Scripture. Whenever you don't feel like having "Quiet Time," DO IT IMMEDIATELY!

Pray for a heart that can smile inside & out when it rains, when you've been betrayed, when you've failed disastrously, when you are dirt poor, in physical pain, lost in the desert & don't know East from West. Pray that your joy will be able to endure that.

Never lose sight of the freedom you feel with everything laid down at Jesus' feet. There are no worries in living life only to love and obey Him and accept the blessings He gives you. Everything is surrendered in prayer to Him. Want to be used by your Creator, and rejoice that He inspires that desire in you generously. Seek the vision by which Jesus sees the world, and allow your identity to be molded in his image. Work hard to know and be known by Him.

Acknowledge your enemies within, and accept the recurring challenges to defeat them. See how joy can be stolen from your friends and family, from you, through the steady wearing down of your faith in God and humanity. How feelings of insufficiency and defeat are conjured in your hearts, awakening jealousy and contempt, an appetite for empty promises. Don't let down your guard or allow these battles to be lost. With all your strength, build others up in joy and in confidence to God's glory, that they might not be another victory for darkness.

There are too many restrictions on our bodies, souls, minds in this world. The freedom you have in answering only to your Lord remedies this dilemma. Your shortcomings, as you see them, lose importance in the unconditional love your Lord provides. Hopeless situations lose their gloom in light of the promise: "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." Beauty is again evident. Again you will get butterflies in your stomach as you breath in the warm spring air, realizing it is merely a gift from the Creator who loves your soul. Each mercy a move to capture your heart more fully, your gaze more intently.

Always feel the thrill when the warm sun casts on your face. Its brilliance is but a glimpse of Glory. Search for glimpses - all kinds - as you move closer to the Other World, where you will one day see more than shadows dancing in a mirror darkly. With those thrills and anticipations scaffolding your mood, you will be able to truly smile 100% and pass your joy to every person you embrace. That is Love.

Nurture love and worship for Creator. Obey His voice and make choices that honor His character. Place your trust in His power & goodness. Do not let go of His gaze, but live practicing His presence.

He
 alone
  will
   give
    you
Joy
 in the
  morning
   and
    Peace
     at
      night.

The Monk

should be all eye, like the cherabim and seraphim.

If a man settles in a certain place and does not bring forth the fruit of that place, the place casts him out, as one who has not borne its fruit.

What ought I to do, Abbot? I am in great sadness. The elder said to him: Never despise anybody, never condemn anybody, never speak evil of anyone, and the Lord will give you peace.

Just as it is impossible for one to see one's face in troubled water, so too the soul, unless it be cleansed of alien thoughts, cannot pray to God in contemplation.

-The Wisdom of the Desert, 1960

These are still a few of my favorite things...

Silence, Communal Lifestyle, Empathy, Spirit-led life, Granola, Holding dirt in my hand, Not getting pop-ups, Long hugs, Evan,  Driving with loud wind or My Chemical Romance, Falling asleep quick, Not being lactose intolerant or wearing contacts, Vibrating phone, Betting high stakes with Eames, People who play rugby, Writing stories I would read, Walking briskly, Forever, Orange peels up my nasalcanals. 10/23/2007

From the MySpace Archives...

Life is Story
The best thing about life is that it's a story. It's filled with main and minor characters who grow and stagnate and affect the plot and react to the environment and make happy and make hurt your internal state. All the good stuff of a story is available to life… its just a matter of whether or not we make a good story out of our lives. Brittany always said she liked to imagine herself watching a movie as she walked thru her life. That's valid. Keeps me from getting buried under the storyboards. Above it all. Outside the maelstrom. I think that's valid. It is motivating to pursue a good story for yourself and others. Life needs to be reminded that it is climactic and poetic sometimes, lest we get petty and sedentary. I want to live a story. So I do.


Good Things
It is good to slow down to a pace in which I can embrace classical music and occasional NPR. It is good to be efficient and accelerated at work, yet able to take in stride laxity and indulgence from co-workers. It is good to fall in love with a puppy– a creature that is humble and devoted and kind. It is good to like the people I spend my time with, rather than to long for picture perfect long distance friendships. It's too easy to fictionalize or romanticize; reality is where I am and I would do well to make the most of it. It is good to wear enough layers and the right fabrics to be comfortable in winter weather. It is good to sleep for 12 hours sometimes and 4 others- rarely 4 though. It is good to get lost in an art museum, and buy tickets to see live music. It is good to become entranced by endorphins and music while working out or dancing. To slip into The Zone. It is good to tolerate the frustrating aspects of others, and to always love them, to show forbearance. It is good to respect God, and ask for forgiveness for how thoroughly I have misconstrued Him. It is good to hope He comes back and shows me who he really is. It is okay to feel that this is a deeply personal interchange, and feel sad that such an experience is overtalked in Christian culture. That most aspects of relating with God are cheapened by their overexposure to fluorescent lighting. It is okay to be me, be here, be now, and have my eyes on the horizon.


Malawi
My Africa was not Peace Corps Africa or village evangelism Africa. It was like moving to NY from Florence and renting an apt in Little Italy. I lived in Little America, Area 49, Lilongwe, Malawi, Central Africa, Earth. The principal of African Bible College Christian Academy let me use a classroom at the school and hang out with Jr Highers from 22 different countries. Lebanese Nadine, Korean Anne, Taiwanese Sandy, South African De-Wet, Nigerian Blessings, Malawian Sithembile, American Jon-Jon, Australian Esther. We read YA novels and painted flowers and danced to Tchaikovsky. For a whole year. Five days a week. I got paid even less than the Peace Corps. But I lived in a house with my own bedroom. Brighton fixed my garden up. With a Ficus and Papaya trees and Maize. Edina cleaned the house which is odd. But she loved me for giving her money every month and I loved her for remedying my non-dishwashered-kitchen. Every Wednesday night the 50 American staff living on campus with me hung out at the Chinchens, eating homemade desserts like NoBakeCookies. We talked about the Old Testament and prayed for dying African babies and families at home in America and ABC college students running out of tuition money. Some nights I played cards with the campus kids. Or ate Kraft MacNCheese with Cari. Or stargazed on the soccer field with Amanda. Or watched Alias with MJ on her laptop. It rained a lot in my Africa. So hard that I couldnt teach over the sound of a monsoon pouring all over the tin roof of my classroom. So we would crowd around the windows and watch the storm. They were beautiful, the storm and the children watching. Once a tiny tornado danced across the roof of our classroom and ruffled everyones papers. I slept with earplugs because the birds called so loudly. And I woke up at 445am to exercise because it was too hot and sweaty to do it at any other time of day. The sun was so hot. I didn't drive. I rode in cars whenever someone would invite me to tag along. We would drive to ethnic restaurants owned by people from India and Ethiopia and Taiwan. Or we would drive to Lake Malawi and swim with fishies or camp. And we went to village churches and orphanages and homes. Sometimes. Not enough. I dont miss Malawi. But I hope one day I will. For now I will learn  to be me again.

Drunk on Tears

Alright, I've deactivated Facebook account again in my quest to bring stillness and order to my chaotic life. Aiming for baseline. I've been reading Thomas Merton's The Wisdom of the Desert (collection of stories of the desert fathers & mothers) - my roommate's. The morals and logic of these devout monks and nuns strike me as potentially insane, but the book definitely falls in the category of Bringing Me Back to Baseline. I should go back to Merton's New Seeds of Contemplation. And some Nouwen must be in store. Dallas Willard is a current go to, with Spirit of the Disciplines. These men. Where are the women? I should read some Nin, but I think she scares me a little right now. She is so     woman. I think I am fleeing my fluidity and openness (which she would call female and good) in the structure and routines that are masculine. I am currently on lockdown. Though realistically Merton and Nouwen are about as androgynous as men get, and they are my go-to? Maybe. Deeply masculine just wouldn't make ANY sense to me, I'm sure. Some Kathleen Norris would be a good counter. No poetry though. Too many tissues already used up. I could really go for a Grand Slam Breakfast right now...

Emerging from a Mid-Week Weekend

In a fog. Steps to clarity...

Freeze for as long as necessary, then move deliberately

Re-establish order in the regions of chaos

Listen for a familiar echo beyond the noise

Avoid ferris wheels

Wake up early tomorrow, and follow a pre-planned morning routine like a Jetson

Jet Lagged & Gazing Toward Circadian Rhythm

The dryer is going going going, my spandex is sweaty from a late night gym run, Catherine is asleep on the big couch, I just drank a lovely glass of water from the Brita, Justin hasn't called me to verify he completed his P90X workout, I impulsively bought Spirit of the Disciplines by D Willard on my Kindle (no irony intended), the image of black feathers sprouting from Natalie Portman's shoulder keeps coming to mind after an evening at E Street, Christ Our Shepherd starts at 10am tomorrow which means 7 hrs of sleep, and the light at the end of the brightly-tiled tunnel is a string quartet playing Beethoven at the National Gallery of Art the second night of this New Year. This New Year. This New Year.

Does that mean this Last Year can be left behind? Where it belongs? Gz? Gz? Gz?

James Franco's 127 Hours character cut of his arm to escape being stuck. I'm cutting of 2010. With a little help from my calendar. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Goodnight, California! Goodnight, DC.