ABC Gum

Yesterday, riding the 92 bus toward Anacostia again, there was a very old African American man sitting next to me, singing and joking with a woman across from us. His silliness, my nose told me, was to some extent alcohol-induced. So at one point he gasps at me and announces, "Your breath smells so sweet!"

"It's cause I'm chewing gum," I explain. "You want a piece?"

He has a great laugh at this and agrees to my offer, only to be completely bewildered by the hard chicklet-like piece of Orbitz I hand him.

"What on earth am I gonna do with this?" He asks, doubled over with giggles. "I only have one tooth!"

His friend laughs at this, along with a few scattered onlookers.

I want so badly to offer him the gummy piece I've already been chewing, like a mommy bird gives a baby bird pre-masticated worms. But I can't bring myself to say it! I mean, that is a ridiculous offer, what with Swine Flu going around and all, right? "Want some ABC gum, old man?" No. That was crossing a line.

So instead I advised he crush it with his fingers to release the peppermintiness, and then suck on the crumbles. Ha! He had a good laugh at that one, and made sure everyone around us heard my preposterous suggestion. If only he knew my first instinct... He was still holding the Orbitz in his hand and laughing with his lady friend when I exited the bus. I hope he didn't choke.