I am...

• A recent convert to instant Italian Roast coffee.
• Relieved to be rid of the "crick" in my neck. 
• (Definition of Crick: A painful cramp or muscle spasm, as in the back or neck.)
• Listening to...

The Show by Lenka

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

you're still the one I kiss goodnight

"The moment" happened - the sudden feeling that everything I want in the world is Here. (Not everyONE I want, but a lot of ones I want. EveryONE I want will never be in one place. Real life tragedy, but unavoidable nonetheless. [I like the word nonetheless - how often do we get to combine three wordsinone?]) The breeze was blowing my now-long hair as I sped past Union Stn on foot. I was on my way to "the office." And that weightless feeling hit. I love my life hereandnow. So much grace. So much opportunity. Those kindreds I wondered if I'd ever find in this city. Fireworks inside my organs kind of gratitude. 

So tonight I re-read my first blog entry - September 23rd, 2008. Fresh meat in DC. Homesick and shell-shocked. It made me grateful for the efforts my prior self expended, so that my current self could be "living the dream" these days. Professionally, socially, and spiritually. I am constantly amazed at the beauty of conversation with past and future selves. It's almost trinitarian (little "t"). That sense of community within ones self in three different manifestations, yet a persistent unity in Being.

Anywho, this is my heart on a page those many months ago:

I am TRYING here. Okay? 

I'm making friends. I go to Irish Times and Carolina's for happy hour Friday nights. I laugh. I tell secrets. I brush my teeth and wear deoderant. 

My eating habits are sub-par, though, I admit. And my sleep schedule is practically religious. I watch at least an hour of... TeeeeVeeee everyday, damnit. And the best part of ANY evening is a phone call or a text from The Sunshine State. 

I'm faltering. Wavering. Teeeetertottering. This is not good enough. ROOTS, I say! I need to extend ROOTS. Deep down into the concrete soil of this city- Washington, DC- if I am ever going to last. 

But I am tryyying. I promise. Kinda.

Last Night

"For a woman to dream that her hair is falling out, and baldness is apparent, she will have to earn her own livelihood, as fortune has passed her by."


Could this be my lot? OH NO!!!

Magic Words

In anthropology, psychology, and cognitive science, the term magical thinking is used to describe causal reasoning that accords unwarranted weight to correlation or coincidence. It often includes such ideas as the ability of the mind to affect the physical world (see the philosophical problem of mental causation). Associative thinking may be brought into play, as well as the power of magical symbols, synchronicity, metaphor and metonym.

• metaphor: changing a word from its literal meaning to one not properly applicable but analogous to it; assertion of identity rather than, as with simile, likeness.
• metonymy: substitution of cause for effect, proper name for one of its qualities, etc.
• synecdoche: substitution of a part for whole, species for genus, etc
• "White hair" for an elderly person
• "Fingers" or "Legs" as a nickname
• "Wheels" referring to a car
• "A pair of hands" referring to a worker
• "Old Blue Eyes" to refer to Frank Sinatra
• "The White House" referring to the executive branch of the United States government

St. Brendan's

When I Was a Young Warthoggggg!

It's official. My relationship with St. Brendan's Anglican Church in DC is official. No more dating around. Or being ecclesiastically celibate. I'm done being the hen in my relationship with church & ready to be the sow. (That's a Grey's Anatomy Reference. In case you missed that episode, I've imported the script:


George: You and me: We're like ham and eggs. I was the chicken, I just want you to know that, I know that I was the chicken. You put yourself out there, you were committed and I was just puttin' the eggs on the plate. Not the ham because you were the pig. (this catches Callies attentions and she glares at him) I was just involved, but now I'm committed.


Callie: Did you just call me a pig?


George: No...as a metaphor.


Callie: Calling me a pig?


George: No, the point is that you're not the pig anymore. Now I am the pig. I'm the pig. I am the pig. (Callie glares at him and walks away) I...am the pig.


End scene.)


So, context provided, I am ready to begin the transformation process. Into "the pig." It's been (hmmm...?) 2.5 years since I've been a pig at church. Guess I didn't like how that last go turned out. That was the case for many of us exiting that community, and I worry about the others sometimes. How nice it would be to have an art therapy session together someday. In the meantime, I have caught a glimpse of something beautiful in the community at St. Brendan's. Rich & reflective teaching. Can I use the word dialogic? Songs of worship boasting lyrics directly from Scripture & a posture of engaged reverence for a Holy God. Participants diverse in ethnicities, socioeconomic statuses, levels of education, careers, life stages, etc. But uniform in hospitality and acceptance. 


I haven't felt such ease at a church in four years. It probably helps that St. Brendan's meets at a homeless shelter off U St. And given, we've only had four dates. But I have a good feeling. First impressions are telling. As a new friend so eloquently wrote, "a luminous countenance needs little buttressing." True dat, I say. Let's see how the interaction plays out, but I am brimming with gratitude for this first advance. Flowers smell sweeter. (Who am I kidding. DC is flower-less.) Coffee tastes better?

My Mind's (Crossed) Eye

Hunger may have been the reason my brains started falling out my ears tonight, after 5 hrs in the GWU computer lab, but I suspect it is something else. My recent struggle to synthesize and crystallize vast amounts of information has been causing me to question my intelligence. If I can't make sense of all these courses in International Education - then why the H am I wasting my time?

Then it struck me, my strength is "Connectedness." And my strength (though the Strengths Finders assessment failed to confirm it) is "Ideation."

Ideation: My brain postures itself like a butterfly catcher. Hyper-vigilant, all senses attuned to catch a glimpse of a brightly colored wing - and then POUNCE! That's how I feel about ideas. Every day, the hope of snatching a new specimen for my collection sets me on the edge of my bus seat & keeps me a little breathless. Today. Today I felt the thrill. Uncovered the most unbelievable concept. Rushed to tell my Male & Female "Creative Partners" & they validated my twitching excitement. My brain LIVES to excrete lovely ideas. But this activity often distracts me from synthesizing ideas, because instead of building up I reach out...

Connectedness: My brain builds bridges from new information to old information, problems to solvers, needs to givers, etc. etc. etc. Any one thing I know is connected to every other thing I know (or is blindly reaching out to be). So instead of being like a file cabinet, sorted and orderly, it's like a blind spider building a Guinness Book of World Records size spider web using only its sense of touch. And while the threads all cross each other, they don't build something strong and sturdy. Just a fragile ever expanding network.


I'm not going to give up on my education. Thinking is generally a very pleasant task for me. But today just exhausting. At least I've reached some conclusions about why. May new ways of learning & synthesizing reveal themselves to me, so I can add them to my mental toolbox before I graduate! Fingers crossed.