Those who know me know I am a shared experience junkie. Because "empathy" is my most mark-ed trait (according to Gallup's Strengths Finder assessment, that is) I thrive on relating to other people. I look for opportunities to do so, and when our worldviews/life experiences/interests/schedules fail to cross over, I have been known to manufacture shared experiences. If I move into your "hood", join your club, or apply for a job at your place of work, it may mean I am interested in getting to know you better.
Now that I have made this perfectly clear, I have absolutely no idea where my train of thought was headed.
Hmmm....
Wow.
Oh yeah! I remember. So now, I am single and everything, and I've realized I don't have one single friend who is involved in my daily reality. Everyone is paired up (as tenuous as some of the couplings may be. No offense.), leaving me to experience my singleness all alone.
Surprise! This is NOT a pity party! It's a flashback to when I was in my late teens and preparing for the potential of a life of celibacy and never marrying. The idea was so intriguing to me, and I toyed with the idea of monasticism. I was so content with the idea of being single, and wouldn't even consider dating a guy unless the relationship promised to enrich my spirituality and and well-being. Singleness was too precious to give up, unless for something holier.
This was my steadfast mindset, and written proof is available.
Then, somehow my conviction faded and I appropriAted the shared experience of being a single working woman in my 20's. I lost MY experience of being single by overempathizing with OTHER women's experience of being single. I admit this is only one facet of my personal evolution, and I'm not trying to cast blame, but I'm beginning to believe my overzealous buy-in to shared consciousness was quite influential.
Now, as I find myself alone in my aloneness, I feel this exhilarating sense of freedom to navigate and define singleness for myself instead of looking to others to model it for me. I have no one to look to but myself, God, and the women whose books I read. (And if my unconscious is blocking "single you" out of my mind, friend, please humor me.)
The thing is the answer is not avoiding friendship with other single women. It's just "Don't Sell Out." My dependance on other people to narrate my life experience is not nearly as powerful as narrating it myself. Even as contradictory as it may be to the perspectives of people I long to establish connections with through shared experience.
My integrity and identity are worth more than my instinct to Win Friends and Influence People by convincing them I get what they are going through. Cause I can. I can get it with every fiber of my being, and adjust my lenses to perceive your (and my) experiences through your eyes. But just because I can, doesn't mean I should.
So it's time to
A) Redefine singleness in reference to the convictions of my youth
...and...
B) Stop empathizing s'dang much and practice SYMpathizing
Soooo let it be.
From the drafts folder
6 years ago
Tasha, I am glad that you are a better woman than I am and you can encourage me in contentment and enriching my life of singleness. I threw myself a pity party of "My Super Sweet 16" proportions today over the fact that nobody loves me. How can I be a role model to my sisters in what healthy Godly relationships look like without a... what's that word again? Man! I think my momentary lapse in contentment was spurred by my last single friend's lingerie shower yesterday. Thank you for reminding me that my life as a single woman is a gift, and there are lessons to learn in it.
ReplyDeleteDisclaimer: I bought myself a bottle of the "good wine" tonight, so my comments might not be as funny, thoughtful or coherent as usual. I hope you don't mind.
I am also an empathyzer and I beat myself up over other people's problems. Maybe that is our shared P-ness coming out?
ReplyDeletei liked this entry. i don't think i've ever heard anyone speak about the hidden danger of empathy - that others' mindset will seep into your own.
ReplyDeletesomething similar this reminded me of is that there is a certain friend of mine who will complain about her life in relation to mine, which manipulates me every time into trying to make her feel better by convincing her that i'm not really that happy, my life isn't really that good. i resolve not to, but i want to make her feel better, and that is the way i have been making her feel better for like a decade so it's hard to stop.
Nico, I have no P-ness. Just a big J-ness. Sorry, dude.
ReplyDeleteLMM, The situation you described is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about. It's kinda messed up, but easy to fall into! Is it compassionate? Or just weak? I don't know. So confusing.
i imagine that a compassionate person who is also strong and true to herself would reassure the person without speaking negatively about her own life... somehow. that is what i am attempting to do. i have been attempting to systematically quit saying negative things about myself for the past year or so. and this is the most peaceful i have ever been. i think though that saying negative things about myself in the conversation i described - where it's masked as compassion - is one of the last instances where i instinctively do it.
ReplyDeletealso, i feel bad as i have not been commenting regularly, but i have been reading regularly, and enjoying this blog very much. and i am glad that your surgery went okay and that you seem to be recovering nicely. i am a big fan of your writing. i don't want it to stop.
I am so happy you exist, Tasha.
ReplyDelete