please outlive me?

this morning i dreamed someone-i-love-dearly died, and his death was a teency bit my fault. it was the second worst dream i've ever had (the first being a family plot to murder my father... it failed and he was very angry.). in this dream i felt my life was over. and when i talked on the phone to this person later in the day, i was so happy. too happy. too idyllic. because when i got off the phone i thought, i should love this person less so when he dies i wont be as destroyed as i was in the dream. i don't want to survive the people i love.

when i was little, i would cry myself to sleep at night when my mom worked the swing shift at the hospital because i knew. tonight. would. be. the. night her car crashed and she died. how morbid. but my fear of people dying has abated only a bit. i still cry over deaths that haven't happened yet, and may not happen for many decades. because they will. eventually. happen. and i can't process that reality. i could for a minute, in my late teens and early twenties. but i failed to nail down that butterfly of insight.

maybe i'll find it again. and if i do, i will kill it and pin its body in a glass box to refer to whenever i am troubled.