Blah blah blah

My stomach and my brain do not speak the same language, apparently. It took the fog of 12 hours without a bite last night to remember - oh yeah, dinner. At 2 am. It's never like this unless I am consumed by my work, body & soul. And this paper is consuming me. Like those little fish that nibble the dead skin off your feet at the fancy pedicurists. I'm in the home stretch, apparently... but haven't begun to Works Cite or write an Abstract or Conclusion. I keep adding a layer or dimension to sections.

"Stop it soon!"

Trying to decide when/if I'm gonna be sleeping in the next 24 hrs. Is it really THAT important? Hmmm...

Back to Mallie's edits. She is like a fairy genius.

how can i possibly begin to define & give directions about "the kingdom of god" in this paper? jesus himself could only teach about it through parables! it's not a formula, or a school of criticism, or a denomination. it just is or isn't. this is a joke. god, are you laughing? throw a girl a bone!

how are the kingdom of god and global citizenship related? how can christian colleges nurture the two in students? can they possibly begin to move away from portraying jesus' "message" or "good news" (such limiting terms in and of themselves) as merely a truth claim (which is not to be underestimated, of course) but as a mustard seed and portion of yeast? these thoughts are so hard to organize into a treatise...

Donald Miller re: "Are People Good?"

I’ve always wondered why people who believe in total depravity say things to their kids like “good job” when they catch a baseball. Shouldn’t they say something like you caught the ball, but you still deserve to go to hell?

I’ve never really trusted people who believed we were totally depraved, for obvious reasons. How can their view of the world be trusted? They are totally depraved, after all.

A pastor friend told me recently, though, that the term total depravity doesn’t mean you aren’t a good person, or aren’t capable of doing good, but that you aren’t capable of redeeming yourself. You are totally depraved, he said,at being able to access God.

That made more sense to me, to be honest. And besides, I’ve met plenty of people who don’t even know God who are good people. And I mean really, really good. I mean they love and care about people, they are moral, they are charitable, so the whole idea there is nothing good in them doesn’t seem to jive with reality.

Sometimes I wonder if God has an enemy and that enemy is trying to get us to not like people, because if we don’t like them, they won’t listen to anything we say. And sometimes I wonder if the idea of total depravity has been skewed to get us to not like people.

Ramblings of a Mennonite Anglican

Professor Matt Williams, with his Jesus Life & Ministry professoring, should have convinced me then that the Mennonite tradition of faith was prettty far out in the Awesome field. Then, Shane Hipps, the new teaching partner of Rob Bell came from his Mennonite Church with nothing but amazing reflections to share on the Anabaptist "way." Now, as I begin to see trends in Mennonite colleges & universities, I am blown away by the priorities of these people. There is such a commitment to peace, social justice, humility, and incarnational ministry. I am like a rat, following the Mennonite Pied Piper's song as I learn more and more and more. Wait, that has kind of a doom&gloom connotation. I don't think the Mennonite "way" leads to death and destruction. It's just enchanting is all.

And the Anglican tradition. Oh the Anglicans. I'm realizing my theology and leanings are so much more Anglican  & Mennonite than Evangelical Protestant. How did this when did this happen? (It's always been, though, right? Just unrecognized?) How had I never heard of these streams sooner? God must be responding to my desperate need to be surprised and not-bored by theology, church, faith. He done good! I am FASCinated.

Lately I've been fantacizing about working in international education at a Mennonite college. Or getting a PhD from Duke or Princeton in something related to global citizenship education at Christian colleges & universities (in the U.S.?). I like Duke & Princeton lately. And I also am deeply grateful for access to Emergent Village podcasts! My mental muscles flexed all day on my commute, listening to panel discussions. Such a contrast to yesterday, when the music flowed non-stop & my left brain was choreographing to its hearts content. I NEED that tik-tok back&forth between intellectual stimulation and creative freedom. The more I slalom between the two, the wholer I am. Such a challenge to avoid getting stuck on one side or the other. The balance, the balance.

There is so much grace in the fact that today is merely Day 1 of my hibernation w/ Research Paper #2. I have more days to go. What Day 5 will look like, I fear to ask. I have such high hopes for this paper. But the words don't seem to be coming, not to mention the conceptual vision. I need the patience of an architect, and the fluency of a dancer. In light of God's grand gestures of provision lately, I can't doubt he is kind enough to lead me in this. Particularly as I submit the direction of the paper to him. I think he has something generous to say about this topic, and I would rather put that forth than my stuttering perceptions. (Please speak.)

(why should i try to walk every journey on my hands?)

1. the vortex is opening its mouth to bite me in half like a hungry hungry hippo does to an oblivious tourist. and whats a girl to do when she's divided in half? twiddle her thumbs and tap her toes? how useless and juvenile.

i am losing it. all of it.

2. it's that i see a destination on the horizon that sparkles pink and i fold & kick into a headstand, walking all spry upside down, thinking, thinking of the vision. (can't see it now the blood cells are all crowding my brainspace, but) i know it's there and it's pink, and are we almost there? when will i ever (?) be there. this is the moment i fear: i decide to stand down, U-turn, and clean the gravel from my palms; orORor i tie my laces, trudge the distance on foot, and hum to pass the time.

how upright & gravitational and not me. can i only move forward if i'm drunk?

your mom skypes

i skyped with my itty bitty brother tonight for the first time. he's 17 a dealing with as much girl drama as i had boy drama at his age. but the point is, he gave me a laptop tour of the house i haven't been home to in 3 months and it was so nostalgifying. i wanted to reach out and touch items on shelves, and was so struck by the odd reality that - though they were in front of my face, they were thousands of miles away. so dizzying. so. but sweet as well.

mmmkay bye.

Intro Voice-Over in a Disney Movie for Grown-Ups

There is always a saxaphonist, a Spanish guitarist, a harmonicist, or a bongo drummer when I enter or exit the Farragut North train station. SOMEbody talented rockin out. The minute and a half when there is a soundtrack to my commute is my favorite minute and a half. And then it's over, replaced by sirens & construction. But sometimes a minute and a half is all it takes to remember the magic.

Half Thoughts

When I woke up & glanced at the clock - "Let the War of 812 (am) begin!"


Was disconcerted when I began writing with my pen & the little rubber ball came off the tip - "Oh no, I didn't know you were a virgin!"

Is there anything more captivating than the silt at the bottom of a coffee cup? ANYthing?

Accidentally typed academic sinstitution. Haha.

Quantify THIS!

Quantitative research makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Like there's a bunny nesting in my heart. When it wiggles its nose, it tickles, I giggle & make a typo in Excel. Then it goes back to nesting as the magic happens on the computer screen. Bippity boppity BOO!

WTF is wrong with my Blog Post format??

Adjectives are all I can think in. But when I look back and read a vague post full of adjectives, it does little for me. So I will refrain from sputtering all the words frothing at my mouth ~ grateful, peaceful, resigned, full, joyful, singleminded, small.


The point is, it has been hard lately to completely entrust mi vida to Jesus. The previous season, peppered with disappointments & dead ends, made it easy to perceive His Love as my only hope. But career, friendship, energy, romance - these are all blossoming now in new ways that compel me to trust My Life to sustain me. The compartments that compose me. Bollocks. How can that be? When these compartments are flourishing, they still are just dandelions sprouting beneath a field of sunflowers. They are precious and lovely, but are not the landscape in a nutshell. Not my landscape.


Feel I have finally looked up from the beautiful ground & seen the bright, proud stalks smiling at me. And at last, I can relax.